At War

I haven’t written a blog in well over a year. Due to some unseen hurt, pain, and backlash for my writings and ponderings. I always reach a point of “Is this worth it?” or on the complete other side of that, “Can I help someone with this same thing?” I feel as if writing open and raw things causes a lot of mixed feelings. Perhaps, more so for those who cannot confront the humanity or truth of the things inside of them. But I always find myself back here, working through the things that life brings.

Yes, this is a journal, and yes, I say some very honest truths. And yes, I understand that I am going to get shit for it. But here I am anyways….

After tossing this back and forth, I have decided to finally speak about war. War of the internal kind.

Now, some context would be helpful.

For the past couple of years, I’ve been really digging in deep and taking the time to stand up for the person I am, and the things I do and why. I’ve come to realize that people don’t know how to handle that, and therefore, assume everything I do is for the wrong reasons. And I can understand that when you haven’t been presented with much else in life.

I think that when I read the above sentence, I feel a bit of anguish. Because when I think about my intentions and how I’ve presented myself, I’ve stayed true to my purpose, which is:

1 Corinthians 13: 1-8

“If I speak in tongues of human beings and of angels but I don’t have love, I’m a clanging gong or a clashing cymbal. 

If I have the gift of prophecy and I know all the mysteries and everything else, and if I have such complete faith that I can move mountains but I don’t have love, I’m nothing.

If I give away everything that I have and hand over my own body to feel good about what I’ve done but I don’t have love, I receive no benefit whatsoever.

Love is patient, love is kind, it isn’t jealous, it doesn’t brag, it isn’t arrogant,

it isn’t rude, it doesn’t seek its own advantage, it isn’t irritable, it doesn’t keep a record of complaints,  

it isn’t happy with injustice, but it is happy with the truth.

Love puts up with all things, trusts in all things, hopes for all things, endures all things.

Love never fails.”

Holy shit balls. I’m fucking tired. My mental wellbeing has been beaten and battered, and I’m finding it hard to recover. I want to scream. I want to tell people to fuck off. I want to run. I want to just give the fuck up and walk away from the bull shit. I can see how it has all worn on my being. I’ve gained weight, I stopped caring about how I dress or what my hair looks like, and I don’t leave the house much. I feel defeated. And yet, I have remained consistent in how I want to pursue the injustice I feel. Which is, simply, cry a bit about how it all hurts, and to just keep doing the things that I’m doing regardless of how it’s perceived.

So, let’s talk about it.

I believe loving someone well means letting them figure out how to work through the mistakes they’ve made and the heal the hurt they’ve caused.

I have made wildly horrible decisions in my past that lead me to an emotional affair with another man, causing everyone in my life to look at me with disgust, and leave me behind. In a place such as a church, where the message is come as you are, and you are loved, it seemed that my mistakes were so unfortunate that love couldn’t live there for me. What did live there was retribution, a recovery plan that was built on shaming the sin out of me, and a blanket of guilt ridden hoops I had to jump through to be “clean” again. (As if my own shame and guilt that I was wrestling with wasn’t enough torture….)

I refuse to make someone go through that when there is a willingness to heal the pain they’ve caused. Put simply, again, I have grace for your human beingness. Because that’s exactly what I was going through. I made a human mistake and when I really look at WHY I did it, I know that in my humanity, I was seeking out something I was lacking in my life at that time. I didn’t cheat on my husband because of sexual desire or because of my need to feel young again. I did it because I felt trapped, alone, and frankly, like the only identity I had was in the sacrifices that I had made for my family. I did it because I felt resentful of how much I had given up and how much I had to contribute to every single minute of my family’s life and I was doing it alone. I gave up on my marriage years before I ever talked to another man. I was so angry. I was so tired. Talking to someone who just was interested in the in-depth parts of me was so different than the requirement to meet the standards of my wife duties, such as laundry, dishes, cooking, etc., working a full time job, teaching piano lessons, handling every single minute of my children from getting them dressed and off to school to feeding, bathing, reading, and putting them to bed. I felt used and abused and frankly, not seen. There was a why that was so much deeper than just a simple affair for the sake of it.

So fast forward. I’ve been through three serious relationships after my marriage. All of which have taught me what it’s like to be on the flip side of the above story. The innocent party. (And yes, I’ve taken the steps to amend the hurt I’ve caused my ex-husband knowing full well I’ll never be able to take away the pain I caused. Because whooooo buddy, being on this side made me see how graceful he was throughout everything. And he didn’t have to be. He deserved for me to acknowledge his own pain and to apologize.)

So, all of this, the story of my mistakes, the story of the pain I felt from how people treated me afterwards, and the various stories of the pain I was left with from being cheated on continuously has led me to who I am today. A bit broken, for sure, but a whole lot more graceful. People make mistakes, but that doesn’t define who they are. Everyone should have the chance to redeem themselves.

I believe that when someone says things about that are mean, untrue, and just plain hurtful about you, it’s because they are having an internal battle with themselves. And a lot of the time, it has nothing to do with you OR it’s because your being stirs up some internal conflict inside of them.

My momma handed me this little nugget when I was little.

Because I never was the mean girl type. I didn’t understand why girls attacked each other or hated on people they didn’t even know, and I never much liked to hang out with those groups of girls who lived and breathed off of gossip and trash talk. It was always some kind of race to see who could be better than the other and I didn’t feel like participating.

I’m not going to go spend hundreds of dollars to keep up with hair trends, or clothing styles, or home decor just to be liked by the reigning women. A pair of lululemons and a Stanley cup isn’t going to instantly make me feel the same way I do as when I have paint in my hair after spending the day mindlessly creating the next canvas of whateverness that pours out of my brain cells. Botox and fillers are never going to give me the same feels as running a race with a 5th grader who wants to strut their stuff, or sitting on the floor coloring with a 5 year old talking about all the neat Squishmellows they’ve collected or singing Taylor Swift at the top of my lungs with a bunch of teenage girls who are jam packed into my car with the windows down, or busting a move with a girlfriend who knows that you don’t give a rats ass if they are 40 and too old to act this way. And don’t get me started about how I feel when I’m in a space where I can be loud, joke around, play, sing, dance, or vibe to the tune of my own drum. I feel freedom, I feel peace, I feel joy, I feel love, and I feel belonging. And I don’t have it in me to keep up with those who don’t deem me worthy of belonging because I refuse to keep up with their expectations of who I’m supposed to be to fit in.

And my momma, she told me when I was little that when someone feels the need to say something mean about you, it’s because they are feeling insecure. And if they push you down, they feel better about themselves.

I believe that boundaries are everything. And that the people who don’t like them the most are the people who benefited from you not having any.

This is a big one for me right now. I’ve placed a lot of boundaries in my life in the last couple of years to preserve peace within my family, within my relationships, and within myself. Peace is the ultimate goal for me as I age.

I find that this is the biggest struggle I’m having currently. The boundaries that I have laid down to protect the people I love the most have caused quite a bit of chaos. But I’m unapologetic about them. I will always make my decisions based upon loving someone well, but everyone has a place in my life proportionate to the treatment of me and my family. It will never be okay to mistreat me or one of my family members and then turn around and hope everything is ok. Yes, I have grace, and yes, I will continue to be kind and loving towards each and every person in my life, but it will look different than it once was. There is no reasoning where hurting me or my family is ok and I stand by that, and move accordingly.

Now, as I said above, I’m very much aware of your human beingness. So, there’s always the availability to reconcile, acknowledge the harm you’ve caused, and fix the things broken. Grace exists, but delusion does not. Love will always live here, but your presence in our lives doesn’t have to.

I feel like this is the biggest muscle I’ve had to flex lately, and what an uproar it has caused. And my only thought about the uproar will only and ever be: the lack of boundaries was beneficial to your life because it lacked any accountability for how you treated me or my family.

Why is any of this important?

Well, I’m on the verge of crawling in a hole and never coming out again. Because a person can only handle so much shit being thrown their way before they give up and just never see the light of day again.

It’s hard to process the pain people are throwing your way and to love them, be kind, and keep your mouth shut anyways. And sometimes, especially after watching how people have treated my own mother (who is the most lovely, kind, and giving human being I know), I realize that because you try to do the right thing all the time, people take advantage of it and hurt you because they can.

But my treatment of you will remain the same. Even if you don’t deserve it.

I’m so tired of being mistreated. I am so tired of the perceptions and assumptions. And more so, I’m so tired of watching my girls feel the damage of that as well. And really, I could just run away right now to find peace and understanding in the people who actually have taken the time to know me and the very real work I have done in my own life to remain true to my purpose. Hence, why I tend to have very few friends and spend the majority of my time with Eric and my family. Because they know the me that I strive and work to be every damn day.

So, that’s my internal war right now. I’m very tired and need reprieve because it’s been a long couple of years and I don’t have the energy to continue to love on people right now. I just want to hand them what they are handing me and call it a day. But I know that’s not going to do anything, but hurt me some more. So yeah….war.